Hard Day

This is something i just need to rant about and is really hard for me to admit...

The fact is I am extremely insecure. I don't know why but I am. I am slightly over weight and haven't felt pretty in a long time. Today was one of those days that those insecurities got to me. I went shopping at the mall with my mom and I find all of these super cute clothes that I fall in love with. The hard thing is when I try them on they don't look good on me because they were designed for girls who don't really exist. I wonder all the time why I can't just be one of those girls who can eat anything they want and still stay super thin. I think that if I was even 10 pounds lighter I'd feel better about myself. And ya I have trie eating better and exercising but I get discouraged to quickly because I don't feel like there is any difference. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I'll never be skinny. Today I once again came to the realization that I love clothes and love to shop but I hate to shop for myself. It takes an eternity to find something that has potential to look good on me and then I feel like its not the "in" thing to be wearing what I'm wearing. I don't know. I also hate having my picture. When I see a picture of myself I see what I feel inside. I don't think I'm that pretty and it's hard to see myself in a picture and have that shown in my face. A lot of times I find myself looking at pictures of when I was a freshman. I was pretty then. I tend to put these pictures up as my profile picture on Facebook. They are also all over my walls. It's in these pictures that I truly felt happy and the most myself. I think i really do just need to accept the fact that the weight isn't just going to come off on it's own, I'm going to have to work for what I want...

Another thing that sorta led up to this is when i was reading my cousin's blog. My cousin is a runner and she serisouly inspires me. She runs over 4 miles a day and does a full work out. It's ridiculous. I have always had this secret ambition to be a runner but the truth is I've never bee that good at it. I try to run and I can barely get around the block. I am so out of shape that i feel like that 1/2 mile isn't doing anything but that is all i can do. I want to be healthier I really do but sometimes it's hard...

Ok i think I'm done ranting now. Some good things that came out of today is that I got a new comforter for my bed that actually fits. It's brown. Boring I know but I love it! I also got a white board so I can write upliffting notes to myself. I got a planner so I can keep track of my oh so crazy life, which consists of really nothing. I got a super cute purse and super cute jewelry. So overall I think it was a pretty dang good day. I also finished putting my room back together. I organized my bathroom and cleaned off my desk. I really do have to say that my room looks pretty fantastic!

My friends and family that support through my craziness GMH

"The opinion which other people have of you is their problem, not yours"