Birthday

So I turned 19 today...I still don't really know how I feel about it. Im going to be honest ad say that i was seriously dreading this birthday. I still dont really know why but i was. On one hand I feel super old but on the other I feel super young.

The reason I feel old is because in a year I'll be 20, which is ridiculous. I'm not ready to be this old! it's not even old but it feels old! It's weird because as a kid I grew up "worshiping" people this age and now that I'm hear I don't feel ready. And not like there is a huge difference between 18 and 19 but for some odd reason it feels like there is. Can I just tell you how much I miss being in high school! I wish I would have appreciated it more. I sure do appreciate it now that it's gone. I know this may seem like it has nothing to do with my birthday but part of the reason I feel so old is because I think it is finally hitting me that I'm no longer in high school and I'm no longer a kid. To be honest this scares the living daylights out of me. I don't feel ready to go to college and make all of these huge life decisions on my own. I know that I have to though (with the Lord's help of course). I feel that this age is such a milestone. It's the in between stage of your kid self to your adult self and once again being an adult scares me. I don't know how to make decisions. I'm also a huge second guesser so I'll probably convince myself out of any good decision I make...or at least that's what I feel like. I don't know. I feel old and I'm getting closer and closer to officially not being a kid anymore.

The reason I feel young is because I have my whole in front of me and I can't wait! I'm excited to go to school and start a career. To get married and start a family. I feel like my life up to this point has been preparing me for this moment and I'm so excited to finally be at this stage in my life. I know I'm contradicting myself here but this is seriously what is in my head right now.

I feel that maybe why this specific birthday has scared me so much is because I felt like I'd be at a completely different point in my life than I am now. When I was younger and I used to fantasize about what I'd be like when I was older. I am definitely not that person now. I can't really tell you where it was I wanted to be because I don't really remember...mostly to be at school and having the time of my life. I feel dissappointed in myself because Im not that person but at the same time I know I shouldn't be dissappointed in myself because I've come so far this past year. Even though Im not where I thought I'd be I feel like I have learned so much about myself and other things this year that I am really proud of. I've found weaknesses have/ am trying to turn them into strengths. I'm just scared that I don't know what to next. I know I want to go to school...but where? And when? And what to major in? These are questions that linger in my head all the time and can never come up with the answer. And then I wonder why I can't come up with an answer. It pretty much comes down to a lot of little things that make up one big thing and that is money worthiness. Im not going to go into these matters because I hav before but this is just what's been on my mind the past couple days.

I don't want to sound mean or anything but I honestly hate the question "so what have you been up too?" or " what are your plans for the future?"
I'm going to answer these questions once and for all and hopefully I won't be asked by tons of people anymore.
On March 5 I start babysitting full time for a family in my cousins ward. They have a six year old boy and I believe a four? month old boy-I'm not 100% sure on the exact age of this boy all I know is he is the cutest baby ever!
Secondly, I have no idea what my plans are for the future. When I know I'll let you know. Right now I'm trying to save up enough money for school which will me my next step. When, where, and how that is going to happen I have no idea so we'll just have to see what happens.


I think that pretty much sums up my rant for the day. Now read my talk and the other blogs that are a little bit more positive.

"Always continue the climb. It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it.

"Always continue to climb? It is possible, for you, to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it." -Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Wow that was a good quote! Exactly what I needed to hear right now!